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Sunday, September 27, 2015

Lost Days.


Lost days.

No - I'm not talking about sewing month or blogging - although those suffer too.  I'm talking about the days that just disappear into the haze of depression, anxiety, & their tag-alongs, disappointment, self-hate, inertia, & (the head minion) downward spiral.

Thursday night I was ok.  The week was feeling long but I made it to Katrina's for Project Runway.  Yeah - I ate about 1/2 a box of salted truffle cookies for dinner, but I also sorted some scraps and cut some fabric.

And Friday wasn't my best day, but I got the quilt top delivered to the long arm quilter.  I made it through the week, was functional at work, & hadn't collapsed or spattered too much crazy on my family & friends

But then Saturday.

I get how stupid it is.  Friday was fine.  Saturday wasn't.

So I wake up Saturday.  I have a great family, an adorable dog.  There are interesting things to be done, nothing pressing to stress about.  I'm fed and housed and loved and healthy and still.....

I just couldn't.

I couldn't get up for several hours.

Once up, I couldn't stay up - going back to bed for "just a little while".

The spiral had started.  I was trapped.

I forced myself to go into the sewing room.  I just looked at the fabric, the machine, all the inspiration and resources - and then turned off the light and went back to my room.

I wasn't really sleeping.  There is something kinda wholesome and healing about naps.  At least I'd be resting up for the week ahead - or something.

But I wasn't sleeping.  Not all the time.  I'd try to read.  And look at pinterest.  I took 47 pictures of the dog.  Spent a good chunk of time rearranging books on my Kindle.  Most the time I just lie there.  Holding my phone, but not doing anything with it.  Looking at the clock, but not seeing the time.

There were so many things I didn't do this weekend.  Some just impacted me.  Some spattered crazy on my family & friends.  That made me curl up even tighter with despair & frustration, but I couldn't do a thing.

Depression is like that, you know?  You can be on it and doing the right things and then...you're under it.  I dunno why.  I don't think anyone knows why.

I have this list of things that, even if I don't WANT to do them, I've decided I'm WILLING to do them.  This is a behavioral approach to the whole thing.  Think of it like brushing your teeth - it's not like you WANT to, but you are WILLING to so that you stay healthy etc.

I love to sew but depression lies to me about that.  Tells me I'd rather watch youtube or take a nap.  So the plan is that, even if I don't think I WANT to be creative, I'm WILLING to go into the sewing room and do something.  Anything.  Sometimes I futz around for a few minutes.  Sometimes a project captures me & time flies.  Either way, I'm doing something to reorganize my brain - to work around the confusion of depression.

Most times, this really helps.

On the lost days?  I just can't.  The will & the want - both disappear.  The day ticks by.  People expect me & I fail them.  Moments of fun, pleasure, connection are lost.  Nothing useful or pleasant or productive or entertaining came from this precious day.  It's lost.

Today could have been lost too.  The "not doing" started early.  At noon, I was able to shower.  Even if I'm going back to bed, I reasoned, I could go back to bed smelling better.

It's a start.

I know this post is heavy and wordy and rambly.  There also isn't any way to wrap this up.  If taking a shower is my victory for the weekend, witty phrasing isn't on the table & there is no ending.  I just felt like this was one thing I could do.  Put words here.  For myself.  For other people who feel this.  For people who don't.  For the people I hurt or disappoint when I stop being myself.  (Just changed that last sentence to present tense because it's, no doubt, gonna happen again.)

How about a funny picture from facebook?

Note: I don't really get this urge.  To be
             able to leap to my own defense that
             way - even in my mind - I'd have to
             be a lot healthier than I actually am
.

Like I said.  It's a start.

3 comments:

  1. No doubt the most important thing you did, even more important than a shower, was tell about it, so that family and friends can let the love and prayers and wishes flow (wish, oh how we all wish for a way to banish this awful thing, to cut it off at the knees, to burn it to cinders or to at least back it into a closet and lock the door). Know that we know and care, even all the way over here.

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  2. Oh, sash, thank you for putting it into words. I wish I were a better wordsmith so that I could put my feelings into words as you have. Many, many days for me have passed in a blur...some where I haven't even brushed my teeth nor taken a shower...stayed in my nightgown all day, seeing no one, praying no one would call or, heaven forbid, just "drop by." I get up when the dogs wake me, let them out, and go back to bed "just for a little while," waking again when they bark or scratch on the door...10:30, 11:00 AM. Feed the cats, maybe have a cup of coffee and a piece of toast, and go back to bed again. It sucks. But I don't know how to fight it, so I give in to it. Girlfriend, I wish I had better words to tell you it will all be okay soon, but I don't even know how to convince myself. I love you, sash, I hope we can both find some peace soon.

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