I wrote about the count First Here & Then Here.
But yesterday wasn't 730. It just became 2.
We've had 2 Christmases.
2 Father's Days.
2 Lobster Fests.
I can't say I've handled all those 2s very well.
Harder to rally for the holidays without Dad here to focus our energies.
I haven't gone to Red Lobster again because, well, why would I?
Not even one trip to the produce stand for fresh berries & golden cherry tomatoes.
After mom passed away, I carried her spirit bundle for one year. I felt her so present during that time. I didn't feel a need to carry a bundle for dad. Mom was lost. Dad was so solidly present and ready to go. He didn't need my support while he found his way.
I didn't really think about me needing his support.
In most ways, I'm so like my mom. Verbal, witty, crafty, plagued by depression & anxiety, way over involved at the church...
But I'm so aware right now of my dad's influence. Singing. Nature. Noticing rocks. Loving wood. An odd connection (ok - obsession) with knives & blades. Quiet, fierce devotion to family. We both like rare meat, stinky cheese, & black licorice (not served together though).
I like to think I got strength from both of them.
Got. I wish it was "still get". But I really don't feel them close. I used to, with mom. Not with dad. There is just an ache. An emptiness. They just keep not being here.
In a month, mom's number will be at
Numbers are usually comforting to me. These just seem random & meaningless.
Infinity & zero.